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I’m different

It seems like we are taught from a young age to not go against the majority. This goes for cliches in school, work, life and even winning reality competitions. I was not born normal and even when I tried to fit in it did not work out well for me.

Let’s define what normal is. Normal originates from the word norm. According to http://wordnet-online.freedicts.com/ norm means. 1a standard or model or pattern regarded as typical; average. An example of normal is the baby boom generation was taught to get a job, marry, buy a house, have kids, and retire to enjoy the remainder of their life. Well, some baby boomers worked for the same company 20 plus years and up. Now they are retired and expect to be taking care of by the company for life. Well, the companies decide to release the baby boomers from the group insurance, the pension and social security is reduced. Now the same people that did what was normal at the time are suffering because they did not go against the norm. Who knows what could have happened if they created businesses or invested in stock or saved more money during their youth. Going along with normal standards does not usually pan out well for some of these people.

Well in my own life I purposely do the opposite of what other people do or think. There must be a better way to find a solution than following the same path as everyone else. I am not excited by trends that others make decisions on quickly. I don’t like to agree to submit to someone else opinion or ideas that do not align with my beliefs. Others are quick to say what’s wrong with me. Nothing is wrong with me I was not born to compromise who I am for others. Even when I wasn’t saved God had people protecting me from following the crowd. I wouldn’t get invited to the parties or do certain things because they said I was a good girl. Well, I felt left out and frustrated that I couldn’t join in but I am thankful now.

I am more than being a black woman. I am more than being single for now. I am more than being a mother. I am more than a Christian. All of these are apart of me but they do not define me as the norm in our culture today. I am multidimensional just like my creator so I can not be labeled and placed in a specific box. I am a trailblazer and I am constantly growing in different areas of my life. Nothing about me is normal and I am happy about that.

I believe you are reading my blog because you are different and I want to encourage you to be all God has created you to be. Do not let the normalcies of life silence you. It’s easy to give in to others but take the hard way I promise it’s more rewarding. It’s not too late to start even if you have compromised who you are in the past. This moment right now is your fresh start. You have God walking you through the process. God will never leave you nor forsake you. I have had to lean on this promise so many times. I am also praying and rooting for you. You got this!!! You being different is going to save someone else. You being different means you are a leader. Being different means you are a solution. Others are praying for help and God is waiting on you to be in position.

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Stingy

The holidays are coming up and it’s ingrained in us to give and be thankful. But do we just do it because of the holidays or do we live a lifestyle of giving? Giving is a principle or law. If the rules are not applied then we don’t receive the available benefits.

This is an area I am constantly growing in. I haven’t mastered it yet. For instance, my issue is I am stingy with my money. I have a hard time even spending money on myself let alone others. It’s is my desire to give and still have more than enough for myself and my family. My goal is to be able to give freely without having that uneasiness in my gut. I was taught growing up to tithe to our church and serve those who are in need. Tithing comes naturally for me as it should but I didn’t learn that giving especially with money is synonymous. I have always served with my time to others but given I would hold on to purse so tight even I couldn’t get into my purse.

As I am writing Holy Spirit revealed to me that fear and lack are to blame why it’s hard for me to give. Ask Holy Spirit what holding you back. I didn’t grow up poor nor was my family rich. We were a middle-class family I never went without anything I needed and I sometimes got what I wanted. So where did fear and lack come from? It was developed over time fear opened up the door to lack for me. Once I went to college it got real for me real quick. The plan was my grandparents were going to pay for college but my grandmother died during my senior year of high school. I had to change my plans drastically and hurry up and apply for financial aid. Couldn’t apply for financial loans without my mother’s authorization. Once I was approved for the loans my mother made me use some of the loan money to pay for my food at home before leaving for college.

I don’t like surprises or changes in plans. I like things to be logical and structured orderly. So once I became an adult I was in control or so I thought I was in control but I was being stingy holding on to my money. Because I was in fear of what will happen if I do not hold on to it. I thought if I don’t hold on to money then who is going to take care of me. People who beg or constantly asking for help use to irritate me. Not them asking for money irritate me but the fear of giving my money to someone else and what they plan on doing with MY MONEY irritated me. Now I know money is not mine but given to me as a resource for me and to bless others. When I see a person with a need now my heart breaks for them. If I don’t have money I give them what I do have at that moment. I plan on building my giving to be able to give over $1,000. Once I break that goal I want to move in giving where I don’t even check my bank account I know I got it. Partner with me and Holy Spirit that we have a giving spirit not just during the holidays but all year long.

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Don’t count me out part 2

So outside of not having my child father’s support that wasn’t my only hindrance. A lot of mothers face post-Partum depression and losing their identity. I was not an exception to being a new mother. 

I found myself struggling with my new normal. It was in the middle of winter we got snow that year( Texas rarely ever has snow.) I was recovering from c- section surgery. I wasn’t working my seasonal job ended a month before my son’s birth. I was barely making it on 500.00 every two weeks from unemployment. My car needed so many things fixed on it. I had one of those cars you can’t trust from Karz. My Dallas people know about Karz( insider joke.) I mean any person would be depressed in this type of situation. My son was a bright light for me at that time.

The problem with my son being my bright light I started to focus solely on him and letting everything else fall apart. I didn’t know who I was outside being a new mom. My introduction to a stranger would be Hi, my name is Melody I am a mother to a newborn son etc. I didn’t speak up when I needed help or needed a break. My pride wouldn’t allow me to ask or let people offer. So my support system thought I was fine but on the inside, I wasn’t okay.

Perfection is another symptom I was dealing with. In my head, motherhood looked like this. My grandmother raised me this way so I have to imitate and live up to my grandmother’s standards(in my head). With my mother being absentee at times I found myself trying hard to be the opposite of what my mother was or did in the past. Of course, culture would assume I would have children back to back and live off the government. None of that was for me. Motherhood pushed all of my issues to the front so I would have to deal with them.

My identity before having my son was a young independent woman who always knew how to get what I needed. I had that hustle/ get it done nature. I was a hustler but I didn’t know who I was. I was in my mid-twenties, a college drop out, with no solid career, and no committed relationship with a man. I was living life going through the motions.

Who was I after becoming a mother? I was shipwrecked. I had a one-track mind. Everything I did or wanted to accomplish was solely for my son. If I wanted anything just for me it died when I became a mom. I was always mom guilting. I didn’t spend time to have self-care. I didn’t know spending quality time was a requirement. My career decisions, my spending habits my recreational activities all revolved around my son. I remember in a few deliverance sessions ministers would tell me once you focus on you and your healing your son would follow. I didn’t get what they meant at that time but I understand now. I was so focused on the good and bad in my son I didn’t make time for my healing. Once I took time out for myself and heal my son healing would begin.

If you can relate to anything I have experienced. I encourage you to do what I should have done a long time ago. Have regular appointments with a therapist,(traumatic) to be more specific. Talk to your physician it’s okay if you are depressed but I don’t want you to stay depressed. Last but not least Holy Spirit can heal any area of your life you open up and allow Him in.

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Don’t count me out. Part 1

I am often underestimated, misunderstood, or counted out for whatever reason. Good thing I don’t allow the devil to use my past to stop me. Or listen to those around me put me down. I used it to light my ambition and God would move me from the back to the front.

I have had lots of bumps in the road but I love that God created my heart so pure you can’t even tell my life has been rough. My hardships have not toughened me up and made me unapproachable but instead, I am softer and people gravitate towards me because of it.

I want to tell you more about my single-parent situation. Often I am attacked in this area about single motherhood life. But I am not allowing the devices of the devil to stop my show okay!!!

So my son’s father is not in the picture to be a father or support as a co-parent currently. Before my first trimester of pregnancy was up he moved to Galveston. Because I would not allow him to move in with me when he could no longer keep his apartment. Val( my son’s father nickname) did not take long to find a gullible young woman to live within Galveston. During my whole pregnancy, he promised to do this or that for our child or just common things I needed to be done such as car maintenance. Did he come through of course not he was full of empty promises?

To paint my life a lot clearer I was pregnant, the father of my child moved away. My job fired me unethically when I called in because I was involved in a car accident. No longer had a working vehicle or income to prepare for our child. The pressure was on but I did not miss a beat. I landed a new job maybe a month or two later and I took the train to work and walked the remainder of the way to the office. This was in the middle of the summer and my body was taking a beating. I suffered heat strokes, swollen feet trying to get back in control of my life.

Once my son was born of course Val denied, denied, denied our son, and the existence of our relationship. He would not communicate about anything unless it involved us getting back together. I eventually filed for child support and that’s when he turned into a little demon. On the hearing date, he acted a plum fool when the judge was speaking. Because Val was out of town he was allowed to attend the hearing via the phone. He acted so ignorant and cursed at me that the judge hung up on him before the results could be read. Of course, our child was determined to be his son, and child support was set up for him.

Val would beg to be taken off child support to arrange things outside of court. This is what I wanted in the beginning but he took my kindness as a weakness. Val also has an older daughter who he also is on child support. The child support would be sporadic so I did not rely on it to support my son. All the while I kept in constant contact with my son’s father updating him on our child day to day, pictures, and reinforcement when I needed to discipline Z(my son). Val never initiated facetime with our son or request pics. Everything was one-sided.

Eventually, I got a call a text from a young lady telling me she is Val wife and that he is currently In the hospital and under arrest. Long story short he got into some trouble he left the physic ward stole a car and got in a wreck that killed the other driver. Val was left with third-degree burns all over his body and he was on suicide watch once he was transmitted to jail. I used this time to get to know his wife and I genuinely prayed for both of them. We became close and the wife stepped up to the plate financially for both of his children.

I don’t understand why his wife did not get the marriage annulled right away but her being naive worked out in my favor. Everything I desired with communication, support, and finances she provided when I most needed it. I became a listening ear for the wife she did not understand the severity of the charges and the amount of time he would spend in jail. I often encouraged her spiritually, prayed for her over the phone, and gave her sound wisdom based on living life. She became part of my family and I felt bad for her. Marrying a man with 2 baby mamas and gets in trouble days after marrying him. How embarrassing is that? Then find out he isn’t financially supporting his children and cheated on you with anything that moves. I had compassion for her that could have been me at her age. Falling in love with sex and accepting all the messiness because I chose to settle.

Well, this went on for two years almost until Val was charged with murder. Then they added a charge of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon. He ended up with 10 years and had already served 2yrs awaiting trial at this point. The wife disappeared from my life shortly after. I don’t blame her it’s embarrassing to spend money, time on a man you can’t have a future with anytime soon. She moved on with her life and I would have to. She didn’t have any children keeping her in a sticky situation.

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The Numbness

Just seeing how people are living they live right now during the pandemic concerns me. So many people are hurting and are in pain right now. So many are using
alcohol, sex, relationships, weed, narcotics, and anything else to numb what they are dealing with.

The problem is when we dabble in any of these it’s a temporary fix to the pain we are dealing with. Do you remember as a child having a deep wound and your parents putting ice to numb it? Our parents would use ice to numb the current pain or anticipated pain we may have. In this case, ice is a home remedy and may numb the pain for a short period.

Alcohol, relationships, sex, weed, cigarettes, and narcotics are just temporary highs to numb our reality. When the numbness has gone has the pain or, our reality changed? Is the wound healed or is it just a scab that will be picked off again when pain occurs again? I am not judging those turning to these things. I am saddened and burdened for those struggling to stay afloat.

I used to be close with some of these people and I used to be that person who masked my pain with anything I could get my hands on. I would say I was a functioning addict. On the outside, my life seemed normal nothing going on. But on the inside, I was screaming for help and these fixes were my first go-to. I had many nights of no rest so I turned to my nightcap wine to put me to sleep. When I was lonely called my boyfriend or friends with a benefit at that time. When they were not available I turned to pornhub to fill my imagination. When that was not enough I tried pleasing myself through masturbation. When I was down and out my crew would take me out. So I spent money meant for bills on an outfit, food, and drinks. The goal was to pass out drunk or maybe get a new boo by the end of the night.

These home remedies were cheap and did not do what I expected them to do. Instead, they got me to suck in one rabbit hole to another hole. The quick fixes clouded my judgment, amplified my already over-emotional self, and listen to those doing worse off than myself. When I found myself in a bind nobody helped me but those that help me get in the bind where all of sudden too busy for me. Over time God started dealing with me and I could no longer use the alcohol, sex, and anything else to numb me. God took away the numbness so I can deal with my pain but also the root of my pain.

As I wrote earlier my heart hurts for those that look happy on the outside but I see through the facade. If you are one the people I mentioned I pray your desire for God intensifies and that your numbness fades so you can start to heal and deal with your issues. For others join me in prayer to the war on behalf of our sisters and brothers God has more in store for them than just living life but being dead. Both naturally and spiritually a sign of indicator that we are alive is pain. Now how we deal with the pain will determine if we stay alive naturally and spiritually. Until next stay prayed up and don’t forget to pray for others you never know what people are dealing with.

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Peace while Hell is breaking loose all around.

Have you ever had a day where nothing seems to go as planned? Well, I have those days happen pretty often now. When things start to act up usually stress and anxiety try to attach to me. I am a type-A personality and I have plan b, c, d, and e if plan A does not work. But what do you do when none of the plans work out even the backup plans and you find yourself defeated and can’t control the situation?

The beauty in all of the mess is that we can’t control the situations but we can control how we respond to the situation. We also control our perspective of what’s going on. This is where we find peace while hell is breaking loose around us. Letting go of control and understand God is ultimately in control of everything. I have learned to place my trust in God and exchange control for God’s peace.

Now a couple of years ago I was working in the role of a recruiter for my company. When I was hired for the position my pay including bonuses was supposed to transfer over so I could still get paid on time although my role changed. Well, when the bonus time of the month rolled around I was not paid my commission check. When you play with people it is not pretty. The resolution was I would have to wait a full month to receive my bonus that worked hard for. I let it slide but the issue happened again a couple of months later by this time I was fed up. I was being mistreated in that role by upper management and I was getting paid runtime when others were. So at this point, I let upper management feel and hear my wrath. Management was taken aback and shocked that I was upset. Of course, I could handle myself better by saying what I mean without having tantrum. I got my money but I could have responded and confronted that situation better than I did.

Last fast forward to yesterday. I started my day off right in the presence of God. I worship, read the Bible, and prayed. I even had plenty of time to get dress and cook before my workday begins. When I logged into my computer I sat at my desk for two hours without receiving a phone call. In the past, I would be antsy and trying up to figure out what to do. Instead, I used that time to continue to worship and listen to a word. Once my supervisor logged on I was assigned to mentor a team member who was frustrated and ready to quit. So I spent probably another 2 hours just lifting this woman up and being there for her. When I finally received calls I could not help them with insurance plans for 2021. I had to tell them to call back or reschedule their appointments. My computer system kept greying out and kicking me out for 30 minutes at a time. I had to screenshot and create a ticket every time I had an issue. This was literally a hell of a day but I could not feel it because I was surrounded by the peace of God the whole day. I could have complained, make idol threats or bad mouth my company. Yet my demeanor was different because my focus was on God.

I felt the pressure but I could feel the pain of everything crumbling around me. I encourage you when you find yourself frustrated or in a negative space to really spend some quality time with God. When you put God first He equips you for things you didn’t know would happen. If you missed it don’t worry you can start over right now at this moment. I pray you are blessed and that peace of God is with you as you are reading this blog.

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Mother vs Daughter Friend or Foe?

The relationship between a mother and daughter is an interesting one from those pre-teen years to adulthood. Now sprinkle some childhood trauma on top and that makes it more difficult for both the mother and daughter.

I have always had an interesting relationship between my mother and me. I had deep deep mother wounds I felt abandoned and rejected by my mother because my grandparents raised me and I resented her for that.

Once my grandmother died my mother really took the opportunity to work on our mother-daughter relationship. She had the right reasons but went about it all wrong. I was 18 almost 19 when she took the opportunity to be more present in my life. I had resentment, bitterness, hatred, and a victim mentality so anything she would do would fire my temper up easily. What I meant by going about mothering me all wrong is because she tried to mother me as if I was a young child all over again. I wanted her to see me for the young independent woman I was growing into at the time. My points were valid but my delivery was full of harshness. Figuring out adulting and if I even wanted a relationship with my mother. I had haters in my ear giving me their opinion telling me my grandmother was my mother and that I didn’t need my mom in my life. Well every woman needs their mother in their life even if they don’t want to admit it!!

Fast forward my mother and I have seen really good days and even rougher times in our relationship. I would even ghost my mom when I was hurt. At one point she didn’t have my number, address, or any way to reach out to me. At this point, I am now 25 and just coming out of denial that I am pregnant out of wedlock. I longed to call my mom and give her the news. I really needed my mother at this point. I called and she was overjoyed. I was shocked I was expecting her to be ashamed and ridicule me for my decisions. Instead, she loved me and was there throughout my pregnancy /labor. Unlike my haters, the same one’s that we’re rooting against our mother-daughter relationship criticized me hardly for the same mistakes I made that they made when they were younger. My son brought us closer and filled our hearts with so much happiness. I was working on bettering myself spiritually and mentally.

Everything seemed lovely right but guess what we had one more rough patch. I was 28 and I moved in with my mom temporarily while she prepared for surgery and I found a new place that was 2 bedrooms in my desired location. Everything was going great at first until I noticed the trauma I was subjected to was being subjected to my child. My child at 3 was trying to defend me from my own mother’s emotional abuse. My mother instincts kicked in and I was livid. I tried to be mature and have an adult conversation about the situation. My voice was not heard and I allowed my temper to control me. I literally blacked out and can’t tell you what part of the conversation got me to fight my mom.

You probably wondering can our relationship recover after getting physical? God really used that situation to change and heal both of us. God would not let me complain and talk about my mother. God kept addressing my issues. As I obeyed God soften my heart and soften my mother’s heart. To apologize and stop holding on to presents and past hurts took me some time. I had an assault charge looming over my head and my job in jeopardy and raising my son. God told me that he got me but I had to do some major work myself. My mother and I are not a perfect relationship. However, I love my mother and I am thankful and grateful that God changed it around for both of us. Now we usually talk on the phone every day. I have a newfound respect for my mother. Check on your relationship with your mother improvements can always be made. For those whose mothers are deceased journal everything, you have been holding on too that you never got to tell her. I believe in wholeness and recommend you work on wholeness also We have so much work to do to experience new levels of wholeness don’t let your mother wounds stop you from reaching your next. Until next week love you❤❤❤❤.

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Why are you still single?

I used to get the same old question of why you still single from family, friends, church members, potential dates, and even total strangers. A few years ago I didn’t have clue why I was single and that question triggered emotions and had me feeling frustrated. Now if anyone asks me that question I have a lot to share about my singleness and I am not frustrated by my process any longer.

The main reason I am single is I had had no clue about my identity. I didn’t know who I was in Christ I didn’t accept my daughtership I was a hurt orphan bleeding and hurting others along the way. This along would lead to a failed relationship or marriage. Once I accepted my adoption papers that took me on a long and ongoing healing/ deliverance process. Now that I am not an orphan my mind has changed and I am no longer questioning my singleness I am embracing it.

So I know who I am in Christ now the next thing that kept me single is I had no vision and did not understand my purpose in life. I was just out here making decisions from the cultural way instead of seeking God in wisdom on what I should be doing. It’s more to life than going to church, going to school, getting a great job and raising a family, and getting married. All of the things are great but do they serve a purpose? They don’t serve a purpose if they do not glorify God and lead people back to Christ. So the way God made me should point me towards what my contribution is to the kingdom of God. This is an area I am more interested in right now than a relationship with a man. For too long my past relationships distracted me from my purpose and I refuse to be sidetracked by the same gimmicks every time. I am going for all God has in store for me and those connected to me. I am not letting up on the gas!!!

The next thing that had me single is comparison. I often from high school to my early twenties compared my relationships or lack of to what I see going with friends and family. When I looked all around me I saw everyone booed up so ” in love”. Going into marriages having children and so. This caused me to become jealous and question God why not me when will it be my turn. Now I understand why God didn’t seem to respond to those constant annoying complaints I had. I didn’t understand the responsibility of what I wanted. I didn’t know what I carried and that anyone in the covenant with me would need to cover me. I did not know how selfish I was and that my selfishness would need to die in a relationship. I did not have boundaries and did not have the courage to speak up for myself because I do not like conflict. I could go and on about the lessons I learned along the way. If you see yourself in any of my experiences please take some time to talk with God. Get your journal out and really have that much-needed conversation with God. Just know being single as my coach David Buress says about wife is your title. So I would apply single as your title. Titles can be just like a promotion or demotion. Don’t allow your single time to be a demotion for you let it be a blessing and promote you along the way.

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Family secrets and therapy

Both family secrets and therapy are considered taboo discussions in African American culture. But uh I am known for writing about uncomfortable topics so let’s dive into my personal encounters with both. I wholeheartedly believe in Jesus and therapy both are needed to heal spiritually and emotionally.

I remember as a little girl going to play therapy. I didn’t know why I was in therapy but I enjoyed it. Therapy was a safe place for me and I felt I could trust my inner thoughts with my therapist. I don’t remember how old I was when I stopped attending but it had to be sometime during my early elementary years. I do recognize my behavior declined once I was no longer going to a therapist.

I applaud my grandparents for taking the initiative and placing me in therapy. Introspectively reviewing my early childhood I noticed no one explained why I was in therapy or the reason therapy ended. We did not address family dynamics or issues in family therapy. To my knowledge, I was the only one in therapy as if I was the “problem grandchild”. Do y’all notice all these red flags? This is why I struggled a majority of my life is lack of therapy, not working through my inner healing process, playing victim, and plain old not knowing because I was kept in the dark.

I don’t know how deep mental illness runs in my family but it is definitely not a topic my family talks about often. I have had two separate family members call me on the phone to tell me they were checking themselves into an inpatient mental hospital. Picture getting an unwarranted call from a loved one and you are helpless in the situation. What could we have done to be proactive? Could this be prevented if we have created a safe space to talk about mental health earlier?

Maybe had I been educated I would have taken better care of myself mentally. Instead, I have struggled with seasons of depression, low self-esteem, suicidal thoughts, pleasing others to make them happy, and going days without sleeping. These are all major things God individually had to address in me and heal me in those areas. God would not allow me to give up. He always gave me the extra push I needed to keep going.

Let’s talk about some secrets. In my family usually, secrets and health are one and the same. For example my grandmother prior to passing away we did not know she had high blood pressure and that she took medication to maintain. My family did not know my grandfather had Alzheimer’s until I don’t know how long after my grandmother passed that we were told this information by his physician. My maternal great grandmother, she died when I was about 12 yrs old. Our family here in Texas though she did of complications from COPD and pneumonia. We were at the hospital pretty much every day until she died in the hospital but did not know what medical condition killed her. But our family members in California knew that she died of cancer. We didn’t even know she had cancer. Do you notice the patterns I could go on and on but you get the point.

Not only did I grow up in this dysfunction but I added to it by creating a child with a man who was just as broken and had plenty of mental illnesses and secrets of his own he kept from me. My son’s father is bipolar my son’s uncle is schizophrenic. They both grew up in foster care as wards of the state. He also has addictions to sex, drugs, and alcohol. So I birthed my son into a mess of this from our family’s bloodlines. I have exposed my son to trauma early on that others would not be able to survive. I thank God that He has opened my eyes. I don’t hold anything back from my son with what’s going on around him. Because I am open and I use a great Christian therapist who also specializes in counseling for parenting. I have made mistakes but I know my mistakes with mental and family secrets are not in vain. I have seen God move in my intermediate family and God has reversed the effects of what we should be living in right now. My encouragement to my readers it’s not too late to be the generational breakers in your family. It’s hard but it’s so worth it. Seek Jesus, therapy, accountability, and a great community to support you.

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Struggle love

With all of us tuned in to social media, tv, and movies more during the pandemic I have seen more glorifying of”struggle of love” more than ever. For example, I saw on tic tok a woman badly bruised face and crying on video. I could not bear to watch the video it tore my insides up. Another one I saw a woman in video lit up her ex-boyfriend’s vehicle and she almost burned herself and blew herself up trying to get back at her ex.

Let’s discover what struggle love is before we continue with this topic. According to the urban dictionary, struggle love has two definitions. The first is to make love to someone who is resisting. Often against their will. The second definition is Two or more companions sharing the cost-of-living either through an unwritten agreement or after gaining financial advisory from an accountant and/or tax consultant. Struggle love in the culture can be emotionally, physically, financially, sexually abusive to a person. Urban dictionary and my own personal definition are not what God has designed for us and our relationships. I will be writing three personal experiences I have had with struggle love to break this down or maybe you can relate to my experiences.

The first time I encountered struggle love I was fresh out of high school going to community college full time and working part-time. Well, one of my co-workers said she had a guy in mind that would be great for me. Side note everyone can’t be trusted when it comes to setting people on a date. The lady told me the guy worked full time and had his own cleaning business that he did on the weekends. Well, she failed to mention he was a drug lord he had trap houses all over Dallas and he was in his mid-thirties with a 12 yr old daughter. What a naive sheltered young woman supposed to do in this situation? Well, I dated him for a while. Looking back I realize now he put me in danger of getting hurt or killed but The Blood of Jesus covered me. He was grooming me to be his rider chick but I didn’t know that. He would take me with him when he would pick up his money from his trap houses. He gave me a speech before getting out the car that if he didn’t come back in the next 5-10 mins to drive off. I told him I didn’t know how to drive so he gave me quick pointers on how to move the car. Let me fast forward our relationship fizzled out and I was no longer interested. This man was next level crazy I had to break up with him every day. After he realized I was for real he threatened to beat my butt. I told him over the phone if he shows up to my house the police would meet him at the front door. He didn’t show up he didn’t even have my address. I had enough sense to have him drop me off a few blocks away from my house. The woman he was cheating on me with he threatened to show up at my church home with her. He threw it in my face that the woman was moving into his house he was building and she gave him like $4,000 to move in. This the same house he wanted me to move in for free. I am so thankful God protected me from this struggle love that could have gone really wrong for me.

The next time I had struggle love was a brief but graphic encounter that I did not remember until Holy Spirit brought it back to my memory so it must be needed for my audience. I was living in Denton a college town going to one of the universities there. I was downtown about to head home for the day. I met a nice-looking man who was definitely my type at the time. We would converse through phone calls and text messages to get to know each other. We had plans for meeting up and going on a date real soon. That day I was anticipating finally arrived and he showed up at my home. This is where everything turned from sunshine to a thunderstorm. He came to my house drunk on crown and probably on some type of pills. He was not the same guy I met a few days earlier. I was ready for him to go and he just got here. This man was well over 6 ft tall and I barely make in the 5 ft category so being big and drunk was intimating for me but I didn’t let him know that. He was very aggressive choking my neck and just mishandling me. I tried to gather my thoughts on what to do to protect myself. I decided to role play domineering matrix woman to hurry up and get him out my face and far far away from my house. He thought I was enjoying the evening but I was not and I felt violated. After that day when he would reach out to me, I would dismiss his calls until he got the hint. This was ghosting before it became a thing. The way this encounter affected me I tried to be a man in my next relationships and situations. My motto was to get them before they could get me. My heart and behavior were stone-cold at this point.

Last but not least is my experience with my son’s father. My child’s father is a ladies man. You can even say he took a step further than a ladies man. He was a straight-up gigolo. He was spending the night at my house which was a regular occurrence because both of us could not get enough of each other.  I had some heels in my bedroom and he tried to check me on who I been wearing them for. I immediately shut it down and let it be known this is my house you won’t question me over trivial things in my house. Well, later I found out he was projecting what he was doing in secret on me to make him feel better about himself. He was carrying a whole other relationship in ft worth with a woman that was tagging him on Facebook. Of course, he denied it but the emotional roller coaster continued even after we were no longer together. My pregnancy was mainly stressful because of him and his empty promises to help. He was more worried about his sexual desires than preparing for our child. I will most likely have to have a separate post just for my child’s father because it’s too much to write in one blog post.

I hope my transparency gives those in a struggle a love situation to build the courage to leave and heal alone. For those that are blessed that haven’t experienced struggle love, I hope that my examples help give you a roadmap of what to do and what not to do. God did not design us to struggle in love or any type of relationship. Yes, a healthy relationship has ups and downs but it’s not supposed to be a struggle between those in the relationship. The downs in the relationship should come from outside forces and the couple should be able to look to God for help and to keep the relationship together.